Yeah, I’ve been putting off admitting anything more about reading or seeing Twilight. I think it’s best to combine it all in one post and get it over with.

I agree with what the lead actor said in the interview that prompted this whole adventure for me. He says the books make you feel “uncomfortable” and “shouldn’t have been published” (!!!). HAH. But I seriously can’t discuss this anymore in public, I have to put it behind a cut.

Am I glad I read and saw it? Yes, surprisingly, on both counts. Originally I wanted just to see the movie but the first friend I convinced to see it with me insisted that we get the “full 14-year old experience” and read it first. We wound up convincing two other friends to join in the madness and it wound up being this thing, this shameful and hilarious thing we all participated in. That helped a lot.

I mean, face the facts, we are talking about Mormon vampire porn for teenagers. Except –spoiler!!– the porn never gets past kissing, with lots of overwrought angsting about the kissing. The narrator has no discernable personality beyond being clumsy, unaware of how attractive she is, and condescending about all the non-vampire boys who like her. She’s a near-blank canvas onto whom, I assume, the reader is intended to project all her juvenile fantasies of being Just So Special that a Mysterious Bad Boy makes An Exception for her. Not to mention her misguided notions that romance = self-effacement. Yuck.

We all read it around the holidays last month. During our travels, three of the four of us found ourselves sharing an airplane row with someone else who was reading it. Talk about a cultural phenomenon. I took a sneak photo as proof. I was on the aisle, and the woman reading it was in the window seat:

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One of us had an edition with actual discussion questions as if this was literature. So we got together for Thai food and laughed ourselves senseless through a mock book-club meeting before heading to the theater.

At the theater concession stand, someone had a sense of humor:

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How to review the movie is beyond me, so what follows is a collection of mostly unrelated sentences. It was deliciously ridiculous. It was actually an improvement on the text, trimming tremendous amounts of tedious blah-blah and pointless “action” alike. Some of the casting was actually pretty good, considering. We couldn’t help laughing and groaning at massively inappropriate times. We were not always successful at holding it in, although I may have strained something by trying. I don’t think I’ve ever been subjected to such extreme closeups of anyone’s eyes in my life.

When it was all over, we needed alcohol and time to wind down from the adrenaline rush of that much absurdity.

Bottom line: not recommended for anyone unless you have super awesome friends and can go at it the way we did.

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